Bush in Europe – Part 2

President Bush stunned reporters during the final leg of his European sojourn this past week when he bucked conventional expectations, proclaiming Vladimir Putin’s Russia, “the most robust, most American, democracy to emerge in Europe since 1933.” Bush gave a sarcastic nod and winked to German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder standing in the wings with Jacque Chirac and Tony Blair, “other’s should take note and learn a few lessons from Vladmeeeeer… I like to call him Puty-Poo… you don’t mind if I call you Puty-Poo?” Putin sighed as an anguished grimace spread across his face like viscous goo.

At a 10 minute press conference in Bratislava Bush spent the opening 9 minutes 20 seconds praising the Russian President’s commitment to a transparent government. “I live in a transparent country," Bush said, "decisions made by government are wide open… but, heck, even I could learn a few things from Pooty… look at the way he handled Yukos.”

“Don’t forget Yushchenko,” Putin muttered.

“He doesn’t count… he’s still alive and he’s president. But you get an A for effort.”

The two leaders chuckled contentedly.

“On that note, maybe someone would like to ask a question or two,” Bush continued, checking his watch and glancing with a sly grin towards Helen Thomas, gagged and bound to her chair in the front row by straps made of the finest Texan leather, as she writhed and moaned.

“Anyone else,” Bush yawned as a swarm of rabid vampire bats flew out from behind the podium and descended upon the petrified, shrieking journalists; sinking razor sharp fangs into the soft flesh behind their ears.

“No?”

Bush in Europe – Part 1

This week President Bush descended on Europe in what the mainstream press assumed would be a “charm offensive”. But Bush had other ideas.

Draped in the robes of a Saudi prince and carried to the podium on a throne of poached ivory by a train of Iraqi Boy Scouts, Bush presented himself to a drugged audience of European journalists and intellectuals, each one personally strip-searched and humiliated by Attorney General Gonzales.

After the sacrifice of several hundred sheep, President Bush waded into the bloody slaughter and stared out at the pasty faces of his horrified spectators. “I suppose y’all are kinda wonderin’ why I asked you here tonight… well, I’ll tell ya,” Bush smirked with contempt, “it is my privilege, as steward of the great benevolence of the American people, to announce and present to you my new team of representatives to the European Union.”

With that, Karl Rove gave a nod and a dozen giant baboons, injected with a combination of LSD and Viagra, were released onto the stage, shrieking as they ravenously ripped into the mound of steaming sheep carcasses. “These noble creatures have my full support,” Bush continued as a pack of apes began molesting the audience in an orgy of orgasmic simian aggression, “and will carry out my will, as handed down by God the Father through his Son Jesus Christ, with ruthless precision. Make no mistake about it, my will be done!”

In his chambers later that evening, the president, lounging on a panda skin sofa and smoking Afghani hashish from a golden hookah, lazily up-linked to the Vice Presidential Palace:

Vice President Cheney: “How’d it go, Chief?”

President Bush: “As that old French Queen once said, ‘like eating cake’.”

Vice President Cheney: “Who’s next on the agenda?”

President Bush: “Pooty-Poo.”

Vice President Cheney: “Pooty-Poo.”

President Bush: “By the way, Dick, how’d you like the tsunami victims I sent ya?”

Vice President Cheney: “The water-logged infants make a truly divine suet.”

President Bush: “The best suet is from the fat around the kidney, they say.”

Vice President Cheney: “It imparts a gorgeous flavor.”

President Bush: “…with a little garlic and potatoes.”

Vice President Cheney: “Melts in your mouth.”

President Bush: “Save me some.”

Vice President Cheney: “you bet!”